The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
