Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
