you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
