Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
