I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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