____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
