I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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