for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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