lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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