i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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