Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
