Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
do nipples grow back?
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