you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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