my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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