im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize