He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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