just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
