Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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