I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
