i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Be still, my beating vagina.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
