I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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