Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
