i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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