someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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