I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
