your parents love me but you hate me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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