Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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