I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
