also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
