I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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