oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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