I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
