I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize