Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
