If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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