You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
