Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
