I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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