Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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