i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
