First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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