Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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