I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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