She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
