He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
