FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
