So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
