you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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