Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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