dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We have started to decorate penises.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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