Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am mentally ready for anal.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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