I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
