Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
