I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
