She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
