I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
