Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We named our party play list daddy issues
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
