you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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