I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
