she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
being pregnant is like rehab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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